So I had skim milk this morning for the first time in a couple thousand years. It was all that was available. I think it's better to get really, really fat and drink 2% milk all you want than to drink skim milk. That way, when you're dead, the animals won't want to eat your remains because you're no longer a desirable, tender serving of meat. Another benefit of only buying 2% is that you won't confuse water and milk when you're mixing a recipe or giving your lactose-intolerant dog something to drink. And what if you're called upon to help put out a fire in your garage started by your friends? You wouldn't want them to make fun of you when you're pouring skim milk over the flames. By then it's too late to realize you've confused the milk and water again. How embarrassing!

Being fat isn't all that bad, and chances are if you're going to get really, really fat, 2% milk will have little to do with your increase in space consumption. Besides, we all know that all those really healthy people aren't going to live an extra 20 years like they think. They're more likely to get hit by a truck when they're out running on Christmas Eve.

So here's to 2% milk (and Corn Nuts(more on that later)(this is a sentence, not algebra)).